Thank you to the five hundred and thirty brave people who downloaded my books over the weekend!

Self-publishing is a powerful tool for authors, and is the wave of the future.  The old publishing companies are middle-men who used to be the gate-keepers of who and what got published.  Their reign (maybe not of terror) is nearly over.  While a lot of what gets published may be so-called "vanity publishing," the future will be dominated by individual authors writing what they want to write, without the often stifling influence of large publishing houses, which have historically consumed most of the profit for their own benefit.  Especially in regards to e-book publishing, the new way of doing things is one in which an author...an artist, really...has the freedom to express him or herself, and present the written word to an audience in a way that is both more cost-effective to the consumer and at the same time environmentally conscious.  The hundreds of people who got to sample my work over the weekend did so without doing anything more than transmitting bits and bytes through the magic of the interweb...no trees were harmed in the creation and transmission of these histories and ideas.  Thanks, and bring on the future!

And Again: Spears, ancient but good.

Firearms and the Zombie Apocalypse...

So by now everyone has probably watched the season finale of "The Walking Dead," with the long-awaited prison assault.  While it didn't go down exactly as I'd expected, in important ways I feel like my analysis of the probable result was pretty spot-on.  If you've been following the things that I jot down on this blog, you'll know that I've written two different pieces about the concept of Woodbury attacking the Prison Kingdom of Rick.  You'll also know that I thought that Woodbury had about the same chance of success as successfully navigating an asteroid field in The Empire Strikes Back...except the Governor is no Han Solo, and his "ship" is certainly no Millennium Falcon.  In other words, a snowball's chance in Hell, as they say.

Most of this gut feeling came from the state of the Governor's army...I mean, the Governor's a psychopath, so he's not going to get scared of much, but his followers on the other hand...well, they leave a lot to be wished for.  They aren't (err, weren't) soldiers...just giving someone a weapon and telling them to follow you isn't the same thing as actually training and preparing them to fight.

In the end, the Governor's assault on the prison was broken with ridiculous ease.  All the defenders had to do was employ a few flash grenades, and along with some help from the dark nastiness of the tombs and a handful of hungry zombies panic spread like wildfire among the Governor's grand army.  A couple of bursts of automatic fire and the victorious horde was reduced to a terrified mass of speeding motorists, running for their lives back to Woodbury, even though they weren't even being pursued.  This is the response we should have expected from them (although I thought that a lot of more of them would be cut down in the process of extricating themselves from the prison...actually, did anyone actually get killed in the prison?  I remain unsure, despite the statement that the recent attack was a bloodbath, whilst the Governor was attempting to drive his minions back into the fray).

Now we can all wait hungrily for the next season of The Walking Dead.  The lesson we've learned from this season is that it's harder than it looks to attack a group of determined people who have a fortress to defend.  And also that Carl may be a serial killer.  And that Andrea should've shut her yap and used the pliers with the quickness, as it were...and many other things.

Forgive the production quality...this is my first foray in the high tech future that is YouTube...

Excerpt from "Weapons and Warfare in the Zombie Apocalypse"

Improvised Weaponry

Sooner or later anyone facing zombie opponents is going to have to utilize everyday objects that are not normally considered to be or used as weapons.  In fact, these items (and there's a bewildering variety of possibilities) are in general more common than firearms or other weapons and they are commonly encountered.  Every household will certainly have something (and probably many somethings) that can be utilized as an anti-zombie weapon as the situation warrants it.  Due to the inevitability of having to face a zombie armed with something that wasn't intended to be used in armed conflict, everyone should familiarize themselves with the basics of turning everyday objects from the environment into weapons.

The most obvious of these items are commonly employed around the house as tools.  A partial sampling of such items might include the following:

Axes and hatchets- These items are intended to chop through saplings and branches, and to a lesser degree the chopping of fire wood and kindling.  They come in a variety of sizes and weights and are more than capable of inflicting a fatal crushing blow to a zombie's skull.  Axes were a fairly popular purpose-built weapon from antiquity through the European Middle Ages, since they were cheap and simple to manufacture.  They were also quite good at piercing armor, although their weight and balance tended to make them less adaptable during combat when compared to swords.  Note that axes and hatchets in your barn or garage (or your neighbor's barn or garage) are not the same as the medieval variants that were specifically designed for combat.  The domestic axe is a tool, meant to be used against immobile, non-resisting timber.  When used against lumbering zombies, keep in mind that the weight of axes, especially heavier models like fire axes, makes them poorly balanced as weapons.  They are slow to recover from a missed strike.  Also, missing the zombie means the chance of striking yourself with the axe blade, which is sufficient to cause a debilitating wound (leaving you slow or immobile and less able to escape the still-dangerous zombie).  With these as with other weapons, they should be matched to your physical strength.  If you have no choice and need to use it in a pinch, fine—but if the tool or weapon isn't effective given your level of physical strength, find something more appropriate as soon as possible.

Hammers and picks- Another excellent make-shift weapon against zombie attackers, hammers come in even greater variety than axes do.  These are shorter weapons, obviously, than axes and therefore they necessitate that the user get dangerously close to a zombie foe.  However, their weight and reach makes them relatively handy in close, and they have the ability to inflict a depressed skull fracture or pierce the skull.  The claw end of the hammer has some of the characteristics of medieval war picks, although the point(s) are not nearly as acute as the medieval examples.  Historically, war hammers and the related war picks were developed during the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries as a response to improved armor technology.  Articulated plate armor was largely impervious to sword blows, because the glancing surface would cause attacks to slide harmlessly off.  Even if an opponent managed to strike a hard blow with a sword, in general the solid plate that covered most of the body could not be cut or pierced by swords.  Because of this, knights and other warriors began to carry axes and especially hammers and picks in addition to their other weapons.  Upon encountering someone in full plate armor, the hammer or pick was deployed as an armor piercing weapon to bludgeon through the enemy's defense.  Clearly, if the intent of such weapons was to inflict damage to someone wearing steel plate armor, then an unarmored zombie skull is relatively vulnerable to the piercing and hammering effect of such weapons.

Baseball/Cricket Bats- These are clubs, albeit specialized clubs used for organized sports.  They can readily be turned into weapons in a pinch, as scared apartment dwellers and mob enforcers can attest.  Clubs are one of the oldest forms of weapon, up there with stone spears and knives.  Deadlier forms of club were created over the course of man's millennia-long pursuit of warfare.  Often these were embellished with stone or metal spikes or blades in an attempt to make the weight and impact of the club do even more damage once it hit.  Baseball or cricket bats need to break their way through the skull or crush the spinal column to be effective against zombies.  They are capable of achieving this, but bear in mind that a certain amount of strength is required, and timing is important.  Also keep in mind that wooden clubs can potentially break: baseball bats are designed, as you know, to hit baseballs, not skulls attached to the mass of a moving zombie.  Using a tool for a task it isn't designed for is a recipe for the failure of that tool, and your anti-zombie bat might break at the handle (its weakest point) when delivering a hard blow.  If you use a bat remember that if the weapon fails you need to be ready to flee or quickly locate an alternative implement before you become a hot lunch.

Screwdrivers- Good quality screwdrivers, whether Phillip's head or flat, can become effective stilettos in a pinch.  If you're only familiar with the term stiletto in reference to shoes, the pointy heel in question is actually named after an even more pointy type of medieval dagger.  Stilettos were narrow bladed weapons that usually lacked an edge, being entirely designed around the use of the needle-like point for thrusting.  They could pierce through weak spots or gaps in armor, or they could be worn in a smaller form as civilian self-defense weapons.  The idea is essentially to focus a lot of force on a small point, with the idea that the point with them pierce through the target.  Screwdrivers are capable of serving in this role, though their effectiveness would be even greater if they were modified by sharpening the point to a more acute edge.  When targeting a zombie with such a weapon the eye sockets are probably the best place to strike: remember that you're trying to get to the brain, and you don't want to risk your screwdriver skittering off the curved surface of the skull, leaving you vulnerable to a bite.  Screwdrivers are close-range weapons that should only be used if nothing better can be found.  Remember that the zombie's danger zone extends only a few feet in front of the creature, limited by the reach of its arms.  By closing to strike with a screwdriver, you're entering that danger zone and potentially making yourself vulnerable.

Kitchen knives- Similar to the use of the screwdriver, the kitchen knife is a close-ranged weapon that should be used carefully and only if nothing better is available.  The technique of using a kitchen knife is similar to that of screwdrivers.  Primarily useful as a piercing weapon, the kitchen knife should be targeted at the eyes or the base of the skull in order to incapacitate the attacking zombie.  Secondarily, if your knife is sharp enough you can use it to slice at your attacker, but remember that 1) an incapacitated zombie is still dangerous and 2) if you're using a knife you're within striking distance of the zombie's hands and jaws.  Where knives are concerned the larger the better, in general, realizing that even the largest knife is not the most ideal weapon.  Quality knives shouldn't break, but keep in mind that you're using it for something it really wasn't designed for.  If you're in a fancy (or well stocked) kitchen you might find a cleaver.  Used in a manner similar to the hatchets, the cleaver's strengths are its weight and sharp edge.  A hard enough blow should be sufficient to cut through the skull, though like the knife its short reach places the user in some amount of danger.

Scissors- Most cheap scissors won't be much use against a zombie.  But if you happen upon a high quality set of scissors, especially those meant to cut fabric, they can be pushed into service as a sort of stiletto.  The ring-shaped handles can be used to secure a decent grip around the base, and the blades are capable of concentrating sufficient force on a small point, which means they can be used as piercing weapons.  You're probably familiar with the possibility of using scissors as makeshift weapons, because of the presentation of such a scenario by Hollywood.  Remember that zombies are not humans, and so "close" doesn't count: only the brain or the spinal column will do.  You'll need to use significant force to make it happen with scissors, and like other short weapons you'll be in danger the whole time.

Table legs- Another form of club.  Lighter and generally less effective than baseball bats (if it's heavier, great, but then you're going to have a hard time breaking it off the rest of the table).  They're included here in part because pretty much every house or apartment has some of these inconspicuously holding up the furniture.  If it's all you've got, it's better than nothing.  Use it to find your way out as quickly as possible, so that you can locate something better to defend your flesh from hungry zombies (with an emphasis on the "as quickly as possible" bit).

Pans- The right pan can be a decent weapon, in an emergency.  Especially high quality examples.  Pans have mass and are resilient enough to survive multiple blows.  Cast iron, while extremely heavy, is probably the most lethal of this category of improvised bludgeoner. 

Dumbbells and other weights- Another regularly encountered item, these are similar to the cast iron pans mentioned above.  It's all mass, and all about using that mass to crush the zombie's skull before he gets the upper hand.  The variety of hand weight known as a "kettle bell" (give a shout out to Russia for the idea) could be a very capable close-in bashing weapon, provided you can get your hands on a light enough example.  They look basically like a cannon ball with a cast loop-like handle attached to the top.  Swing one with enough force and the right timing and you'll have pulp instead of a zombie.

Shovels- Finally a weapon with some reach.  Shovels can be pressed into service as a type of pole arm: they allow the user to keep some distance between him or herself and the offending zombie, and they can be used to both bash and pierce.  Remember that a shovel blade is not sharpened for battle, and it's not going to shear through a zombie skull like you think it might.  But with the right strike in the right spot, you'll survive to live another day, and get or manufacture a more effective weapon.

Pitchforks- Pitchforks (and scythes) have a long history of being put to use in (mostly failed) peasant rebellions.  The failed part comes in when you consider that the authorities, depending on the time period, had either plate armor and warhorses or firearms with which to put down the rebels.  Luckily for you, zombies don't have any of these things, and so you won't be facing a cavalry charge or a fusillade of rifle fire as you stand ready with your trusty pitchfork.  These items give you reach, and the formula for effective piercing applies: lots of force focused on a small point (actually several points).  Pitchforks can also be used to pin or maneuver zombies, if such tactics become necessary: impale your victim and then control him by manipulating the handle.  You won't destroy the zombie by this method, but you might allow an ally to get an opening to strike or give yourself time to run or get a better weapon.  Keep in mind that the handle might break, and be prepared if that occurs.

Rebar & steel pipe- Building materials offer up a range of products that might be used in a pinch as makeshift clubs.  A piece of iron pipe or a short length of rebar encountered at a construction site might be sufficient to save your life, so that you live to run/fight/starve for another day.  The technique is obvious: you supply the force, it supplies the mass and transmits the force to the skull.  Crush away.

The Halligan tool- The holy grail of improvised anti-zombie weaponry, in my humble (but educated) opinion.  Usually found in the proximity of firefighters, the Halligan tool is sort of like the bastard stepchild of a Swiss Army Knife and a crowbar, which firefighters use to poke, prod, pry, smash and generally dislocate all manner of inanimate objects in the course of their firefighting duties.  It combines the characteristics of a war pick with a short spear, and has the added benefit of being highly useful because of its regular "day job" utility as well.  You may well need to do some breaking and entering, and a Halligan Tool is your ticket to a successful life of post-apocalyptic crime.

Crowbar- An obvious follow up to the Halligan Tool, a crowbar is a heavy steel tool designed to destroy things.  The hammer builds.  The crowbar smashes.  A hard blow and you'll reduce the zombie's skull to nibblets.  Keep in mind that this isn't a light weapon.  To use it and recover in time you'll need decent physical strength.  Like the Halligan Tool, the crowbar is a spork for the apocalypse: it does several jobs, and it does them pretty well.

The Chainsaw- I include this here in part because it is a staple of some zombie fiction, and has been held up as an improvised weapon by Hollywood.  Obviously a chainsaw can be used as a weapon: in fact, they are quite dangerous to use, even if you're familiar with them.  Loggers have been slicing themselves up (accidentally) with chainsaws for a long time.  They'll easily tear through most of the things in your path (and you, if you're not careful).  Movies probably portray the chainsaw as a weapon because they're scary and dramatic.  In reality, this should be about the last thing you want to grab as a means of defending yourself.  If you're trapped with nothing but a letter opener and a chainsaw, pick the chainsaw.  Otherwise, get something less ridiculous.  The chainsaw's strengths are also its main weaknesses, in a sense: it has the power to dismember a body, but it's going to spray bits of that body all over the place (read "you") in the process.  The fact that zombies are infectious masses of dead tissue should make you think twice before you decide to frolic amongst the flying zombie bits.  Chainsaws are heavy, so if you're not already pretty strong, don't bother to try and use one as a weapon.  The torque from their operation makes them still more difficult to use against attacking zombies.  They are extremely noisy, so if you haven't managed to alert every zombie in your immediate vicinity, well, you have now.  They run on gasoline (or an oil/gas mixture) which means they can only be used as long as the fuel supply lasts.  Essentially, chainsaws are terrible weapons.  Leave them to the actors who are only pretending to fight zombies.

The Walking Dead: Tale of the Tape

SPOILER ALERT!  If you aren't caught up on the most recent Walking Dead episodes, wave off!  You're about to ruin your life!  Don't read the following!

Ok.  I've already blogged about the Governor's upcoming attack on the Ricktatorshipians at the prison (The Walking Dead: Prison Assault, below).  Or maybe we should be calling them, collectively, the Democratic Republic of Atlanta Survivors, now that Rick has renounced his imperium.  Anyway, if you've read my earlier post you'll know that I consider the assault on the prison to be a fool's errand, from the point of view of the Governor.  He's crazy, so maybe he's not thinking things through clearly, but anyone who puts much thought towards the proposed prison attack can see that there are significant obstacles to success.  Now that we know a little more information, I'd like to stress this point even more that I did before.

I've spent a lot of time over the years studying and teaching military history, and one of the things that military historians of antiquity are always interested in is the size of opposing armies.  This is made much more complex by the fact that ancient commentators usually heavily exaggerate the numbers of the losing side, so that historians constantly have try to figure out the truth.  Some people are highly opposed to this, insisting that the figures are accurate.  They spit the derogatory term "revisionist" at those who don't agree with them.  Anyway, I'm a revisionist, I suppose...most enemy armies are highly inflated in surviving chronicles, because those accounts were written by the victors.  Alexander the Great did not fight a quarter million Persians at Gaugamela.  Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but that figure is not possible.

But wait!  For the upcoming prison assault, we actually have decent figures for the opposing sides!  All we have to do is comb through a few of the back episodes, and we learn some very crucial information, if we want to use our historical powers of deduction to predict the future (no, historians are not just interested in the past).  As luck would have it, a conversation between Milton and the Governor provides us with detailed information concerning the size and composition of the Governor's Woodburyite Militia.  According to this conversation, the Militia is made up of the following: 1) the "able-bodied," twenty in number, 2) the not-able-bodied, who suffer from various health problems, six in number, and 3) kids, and yes the Governor's right about adolescence being a modern construct, but you can't undo this simply by saying so...there are six adolescent commandos in the Governor's ranks.  This gives us a total of thirty-five gun-wielding live bodies, of which fifty-seven percent are neither sick nor in the fourth grade.

But we have still more information: in the preview of the upcoming final episode, we learn that the Governor is upset over Merle slaughtering eight of his people.  At least eight is the figure my ears heard.  The eight good people were probably not drawn from the Governor's auxilia of grade-schoolers and the aged, but from the cream of the non-health-compromised twenty.  If the Governor did indeed leave Grandma and Timmy at home with the mint julips, the warband he led unknowingly into the crosshairs of Merle was composed of his "best" fighters.  So we should subtract these individuals from the total, leaving the governor twelve decent soldiers, six old and sick individuals, and nine children for cannon fodder.

Against them are arrayed the surviving D.R.A.S. citizens: Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Beth, Carl, Michonne, Carol and Hershel ().  All of these individuals, even Beth (whom they should develop more as a character, by the way) have been shown to be competent in a fight.  Some of them are extremely capable.  Even crippled Hershel is ready to throw down, and you'll recall from the destruction of his farm that Hershel is capable of becoming a berserker in the right circumstances.  Michonne, Daryl, Rick, Maggie and Glen are all deadly.  Carl is a budding little psychopath whose only toy is a gun.  These people are nasty in a fight.  They're also used to working together, which is crucial for military operations, now as in antiquity. 

The Governor's mob is not.  His regiment of decent people got cut up pretty badly by Merle...only one person...who wiped out a goodly chunk of the decent Woodburyites all by his lonesome.  A casualty rate of eight to one in favor of the enemy is not something to be proud of, unless you outnumber your opponents by more than eight to one.  And even then it's really not something to be proud of.  I'm thinking that the morale and the cohesion of the Woodburyite Militia is not particularly noteworthy at this point.  From the point of view of the Militia, they've been attacked twice at the town itself, and then ambushed outside it, with considerable casualties in each encounter.  They've only seen two slain enemies.  Clearly they're not getting the best of the exchange.  And as we lead up to the attack on the prison, we've got to be honest and say that more than fifty percent of the Governor's army is made of shaky conscripts.  Things do not look promising for his future as a post-Apocalyptic Napoleon.

Excerpt from "Weapons and Warfare in the Zombie Apocalypse"

A Note about the Apocalypse

This volume is dedicated to a study of weaponry and battle tactics as they specifically relate to an apocalyptic zombie outbreak.  What exactly do I mean by “Zombie Apocalypse?”  That's an interesting question.  Certainly the lessons learned from reading this volume could be applied to other sorts of zombie epidemics.  Locally, a large enough outbreak might even replicate many scenarios found in a true zombie apocalypse, even if society was elsewhere intact.  But the true intent of this book is to prepare readers for a world-wide zombie pandemic.  This specifically means a plague of zombies so large that nations around the world collapse and the living dead outnumber the living by a wide margin.  In the hypothetical situation this volume assumes, after the initial destruction and devastation caused by the breakdown of societies around the globe, as much as 99% (or even more) of the world's human population has fallen victim to zombies or the fallout of the breakdown of civilization.  The world inhabited by the relative handful of human survivors will be very different from that of the early twenty-first century that is our present.  This is especially true in the so-called First World nations, whose relatively privileged and well-off inhabitants have the longest way to fall as civilization world-wide takes on many of the trappings of our medieval or ancient pasts.  If you live in Africa with only minimal access to electricity and running water, the new world of the apocalypse isn't going to be so different.  Except for the ravenous walking corpses.  But for the denizens of the wealthy countries of Europe or the United States the fall will be shocking and dramatic.  It will also more than likely be the cause of greater loss of life, since the citizens of the First World mostly lack many of the basic survival skills that we've exchanged for our technologies and machines. 

Much of this volume's content is directed at the citizens of the modern US.  Certain sections, especially those related to firearms and ammunition, are designed to be of use by survivors who have access to the remnants of early twenty-first century America's gun culture.  In much of the rest of the world these sections will be of only partial value, given the differences in the rates of gun ownership and the prevalence of firearms and ammunition.  Other sections, such as those dealing with ancient or improvised weaponry, should be useful to survivors around the globe.  So the advice contained herein has some utility no matter where you find yourself at the dawn of the new world—the world of the zombie—even though some of the content is biased in favor of American survivors.  Fight well, and remember to always watch your back.

A Brief Introduction

When mankind stumbled upon agriculture at the end of the Neolithic period, it wasn't very long before he learned that taking things from others was easier than laboriously growing or making them himself.  Thus warfare was born, and quickly resulted in the invention of all sorts of sophisticated and specialized technologies such as weaponry and defensive fortifications.  Man is enormously inventive when it comes to figuring out how to kill his own kind (and members of pretty much every other species as well).  Combined with our inventions, our intellect makes us the deadliest predator to ever walk the earth. 

In the event of an apocalypse-level zombie epidemic, however, this may no longer hold true.  Outwitted by the inexorable force of a microscopic pathogen (or space dust or however zombies come into being, for the purpose of this volume it really makes no difference), most members of our species would succumb to a threat that we can't beat with arms or intelligence.  With the bulk of the human population transformed into ravenous automatons, the survivors will face a transformed world where most of the old patterns of existence no longer apply.  There are myriad dangers survivors would face in this new world, and zombies are only one of these.  The environment itself would quickly become an enemy as the electricity failed (if you live in the US you can thank all the people who don't want to pay taxes, because our tottering electrical grid is long overdue for a radical overhaul).  Even in countries with better infrastructure, without human controllers most power would quickly vanish, taking artificial light and heat with it.  Water supplies would become contaminated for the same reason, a situation exacerbated by the large numbers of unburied corpses that would be a feature of societal collapse.  Food supplies might be largely looted or destroyed during the initial stages of the outbreak, as human populations became increasingly panicked.  Food remaining in supermarkets would become prey to a variety of rodent and insect pests, while rotting vegetable and animal products would teem with bacteria, making the corner store a dangerous place.  Fire would be an enemy, rather than an ally, as unattended pilot lights led to infernos in cities and suburbs.  Reserves of pressurized natural gas could explode, further increasing the danger posed by fire.  Around the world, nuclear power plants would eventually become grave threats to the regions surrounding them: without humans to maintain the coolant levels, spent fuel rods would inevitably cause thermonuclear explosions, poisoning the countryside in all directions with lethal amounts of radiation.  Without modern medical technology, survivors would be suddenly thrust back in time to the medieval world, where otherwise minor illnesses or injuries could prove fatal.  Obviously, the world of the zombie apocalypse is a dangerous place, even discounting the hordes of the  walking dead. But there are a number of other manuals detailing these and other dangers, and the reader is encouraged to make every effort to seek them out.  Preparation is the key to survival.  This volume has a different, more specialized focus than the literature that currently exists on the subject of zombies and the potential breakdown of society that could occur following a world-wide zombie plague.  It is important to remember what this manual is not, in other words.  You will not find much information on food supplies or general scavenging here.  There is no discussion of interpersonal relations beyond the requirements of armed combat.  Absent is a conversation about long-term goals or travel or, for that matter, that much about zombies themselves.  This book is not concerned so much with what created zombies but rather with how to engage them in battle.  The focus here is warfare, from the point of view of a historian who has considerable knowledge of military history.  It is a knowledge that is useful to apocalyptic survivors, and so I share it here with you.  In the end I want you and yours not simply to survive—I want you go to war.

This book offers a discussion and analysis of weapons and warfare as these topics relate to surviving a world-wide outbreak of zombification.  In the modern world the concept of self defense is taken seriously by certain individuals, but in reality (at least in the developed world) the risk of violence is quite low.  Most people will go their entire lives without needing to defend themselves from violent attack.  In the post-apocalypse, both zombies and hostile surviving humans will make self-defense a necessity.  Everyone who lives past the end of the world will need to become a warrior.  This book is designed to offer some instruction on the nature of weapons and warfare in relation to the threats faced by survivors in a changed world.

There are two general sections (or books) contained within this volume.  The first contains a detailed overview of the tools needed to provide for personal safety in the event of a violent encounter with zombies (and to a lesser degree, other people).  The second, shorter section deals with a discussion of some of the tactics needed to survive actual combat.  Overall, this volume is designed as a supplement to the existing body of literature.  It is not an extensive how-to manual, but rather a focused discussion of the tools and techniques needed to survive battle, and not meet a greasy and terrifying end accompanied by the gnashing of decaying teeth.

Book I

Preparation

It might be self-evident, but it bears remembering that zombies are not people.  They might have once been people, but the creature they've become has a completely different set of capabilities and vulnerabilities.  As it specifically relates to combat, it is crucial to remember that psychology will only effect the reader, and not the zombie.  There are no psychological restraints for the zombie, and this is an advantage for it and a disadvantage for you.  You will be scared, even terrified when facing zombies, because your brain has the capacity to anticipate the future and dread what might happen to you if those decaying limbs manage to grasp your hair or clothing.  You can anticipate with horror what it might feel like, sound like, to have blackened, jagged teeth sink themselves into your flesh as you shriek and kick in a futile attempt to get away.  You have the capacity for fear, and that can complicate your attempts to resist zombie attackers.  In contrast, the zombie is incapable of fear.  It does not feel pain.  It cannot anticipate what might happen to it and react defensively.  The differing psychology between the living and the living dead is an important consideration that should not be taken lightly.

In the history of warfare, from the first stone arrowheads to the use of atomic weapons capable of leveling cities, fear is an incredibly powerful tool for an aggressor.  There is a reason that medieval warriors drank alcohol, screamed war cries, and even bit the rims of their shields like the Viking berserkers.  These behaviors are all responses to the very real fear that humans instinctively feel when confronted with violence and the possibility of bodily harm.  The conditioning and training of soldiers since ancient times is in part an attempt to control the response that people feel when confronted with danger.  In a confrontation with zombies you will be afraid.  They will not be.

The zombie's complete lack of fear changes how you approach the problem of defeating them in battle.  Assault rifles, for example, often have the capacity for fully automatic fire, that is, the weapon cycles after every shot and fires continuously until the ammunition supply is exhausted.  Soldiers in combat use this ability sparingly, because fully automatic fire would quickly run through the standard ammunition load carried by individual soldiers.  Automatic fire is mostly reserved for what is known as suppressing fire, i.e. firing lots of bullets in the direction of a hostile enemy in order to get them to duck and cease their own fire.  Obviously this is totally meaningless with zombies.  They can't be suppressed, because they can't feel fear.  Automatic fire should therefore be mostly discarded against undead foes, since all it would achieve is the squandering of ammunition reserves.

Zombies, being undead, cannot succumb to wounds as humans easily can.  For a human (especially considering the post-apocalyptic dearth of good medical care) a gunshot or stab wound is extremely dangerous.  Even a small-caliber bullet can easily sever major arteries, leading to loss of blood pressure, unconsciousness and death.  The same bullet hitting organs like the kidneys or liver would result in much the same thing.  Lungs can collapse.  Piercing wounds to the lower abdomen carry with them the risk of infection and contamination by the bacteria of the digestive tract.  Wounds to the heart are of course fatal, as are injuries blunt or otherwise to the brain or the spinal column.  Even normally minor wounds to the extremities can prove fatal in the absence of medical care.  The various types of gangrene are fatal if untreated, and offer a particularly gruesome fate.  In short, humans are fragile sacks of meat with lots of vulnerabilities.  Zombies have few of these limitations.

Zombies are immune to pain, which makes fighting one different from fighting a human.  You cannot inflict a painful wound on a zombie in order to gain time to escape, or create an opening for another attack, as you can with a human opponent.  You cannot debilitate a zombie through the use of pain.  Moreover, zombies will not fall victim to blood loss, as a human opponent might following a wound that is not immediately fatal.  Historically speaking, throughout human history most people killed on the field of battle were not killed outright: instead, they suffered one or more wounds that slowly killed them.  After the battle of Waterloo in 1815, for example, thousands of wounded soldiers continued to die from their injuries for several months after the one-day battle was over.  Zombies, in contrast to humans, cannot by definition be wounded, although their ability to function can be impaired if significant trauma is inflicted upon the body.  The point to remember is that a zombie will not stop unless major damage is inflicted to the brain.  Nothing else will completely stop them.  Thus combatants encountering zombies need to modify their techniques to take into consideration the difference between the living and the undead.

Firstly, it should be remembered that while zombies are essentially super-human (or perhaps non-human) when it comes to fear or pain, they do have some of the same limitations that humans are constrained by.  In terms of their physical structure they use the same musculature and skeletal system to provide for mobility.  Just because they can't feel pain doesn't make their bones or muscles less susceptible to damage.  This means that they can be slowed or crippled by damaging attacks to the extremities, which might be useful depending on the situation.  Severing the vulnerable spinal column by cutting through the neck, or smashing it with a blunt instrument or bullet is a good way to stop a zombie: their vestigial brains depend upon the spinal column to relay information to the rest of body just like yours does, so the spine is a prime target for your attacks. 

The main target, obviously, of any anti-zombie weapon is the brain that controls the creature's body.  Everything you do to strike at a zombie comes down to destroying the brain or severing its connection with the rest of the body, in order to eliminate the threat presented by that body (note that severed zombie heads, or heads attached to crushed spinal columns might still be able to bite, so watch your step).  Targeting the skull of a zombie, with the view of piercing through it to the vulnerable brain beneath is not as easy as it might appear.  Remember that the skull is designed by nature to defend the brain at all costs.  It is the hardest part of the human body for good reason.  Especially when considering the use of hand-held weapons keep in mind that breaking through the defense offered by the skull may not be easy.  You should always be prepared to strike again, until the creature stops moving.

This is obviously a brief overview of the biological constraints of zombies.  I stress again that the reader should refer to more detailed discussions of the anatomy and physical capabilities of zombies found in other works.  The survey above is meant as a sort of refresher course prior to the lengthier discussion of weaponry that commences below.  In any event, with the dead far outnumbering the living, where they came from or why isn't in the end very useful information.

Excerpt from "Weapons and Warfare in the Zombie Apocalypse."

Unarmed Combat

We've all been in fist fights at some point.  Or most of us have been.  Sort of.  In something that looks vaguely like two hominids trying to ineffectually squeeze and poke one another.  That is, most of us suck at hand fighting.  We just don't do it enough.  If you do, you're either 1) a biker, 2) a convict or you were previously, 3) a cop (but that's specialized), 4) a professional boxer/wrestler, 5) a practicing martial artist.  In other words, most people aren't good at fighting with bare hands.  We're actually not really equipped for it, from an evolutionary point of view.  Neanderthal man was, and was strong enough to rip bits off of you.  But alas, the bigger muscles and smaller brain not a success story did make.  That is actually a wonderful lesson regarding the utility of unarmed combat in the zombie apocalypse.  Unarmed combat against zombies is foolish.  Some of my fellow experts would argue otherwise, but I strenuously object.  Allow me to make my case in the following pages.

People who are expert fighters (or just really mean and tough) can do a lot of damage without using any weapons.  Part of this gets back to the fact that we're really not that tough.  We're poorly designed to take punishment, with relatively weak muscles and dangerously exposed vital organs.  Which means if you're good at beating people up you know that the majority of the population is pretty squishy and bad in a fight.  Most fights end quickly.  Boxing matches are boxing matches because the people involved are trained professionals.  Anyway, if you are a Shao Lin monk or a professional boxer (or whatever) you can probably take most people in a fight.   The key word here is "people."  Because you aren't going to be fighting people, most of the time, in the zompocalypse.  Most of the people will be dead.  But you will have plenty of zombies to toy with.

There are a number of glaring problems with the concept of trying to fight zombies unarmed.  First, the zombies themselves.  Consider, for example, that a zombie is nothing more than a sack of meat and bones that wants to eat you.  It isn't really alive, but it is presumably host to a lot of little things that are---the bacteria that are hitching a ride on the slowly-rotting body of the zombie.  These bacteria are dangerous, and if you start wrestling around with the zombie you're likely to come into close contact with them.  These organisms don't have your best interests in mind and should be avoided.  Also note that this is over and above whatever pathogen created the zombie in the first place.  If you don't want to get infected it's probably a good idea to keep your hands to yourself. 

Speaking of hands, notice that the typical attack utilized by the vast majority of the non-trained populace in a fist fight is, well, a fist.  And the fist is not an ideal weapon.  Even using one against humans is dangerous. The human mouth is more or less as dirty, bacteria-wise, as a dog's mouth is.  The chance of getting a nasty and potentially dangerous infection makes this a bad idea.  Before the apocalypse cutting your hands on some other dirty human's teeth wasn't too much of a problem because of antibacterial soap and antibiotics.  Yet again, the problem is a lack of medical care.  And punching a zombie is much worse than punching a human, because they're infected with whatever made them zombies and carrying around who knows what other bacterial hitchhikers.  You don't want to punch a zombie.  Ever.

Once again, zombies can only be destroyed by destroying the brain.  Unless you have a handy parking tie or some other hard inanimate object to bash the zombie's head against, good luck.  The skull is the hardest part of the body for a reason and you aren't going to be able to get through that with your limbs.  The Shao Lin monks in the room might beg to differ, but all the regular people should never take it the street with a zombie.

Another reason why it is extremely stupid to try to go hands-on with the undead is related to the nature of the zombie brain, and how it's different than yours or mine.  We, you see, (as living breathing humans) are not normally capable of exerting our muscles to their full potential.  The very good reason behind this is that if we did so we would risk damaging muscles, bones and connective tissue.  Our brains stop us from going fully berserk because the brain is interested in not ripping important parts that it might want to use later.  The zombie, with a mushy and primitive brain, does not have this restriction.  So zombies can exert their muscles to the full extent of their power.  Zombies that look smaller than you will very likely be stronger.  And the zombie doesn't care if it rips muscles or damages tendons.  This makes unarmed combat with zombies extremely dangerous.  If you can't get away, you're lunch. 

For some real-world evidence to back up my assertion that you should pretty much never go unarmed against a zombie I offer you something Bruce Lee once said (and I'm paraphrasing): "if someone wants to bite your nose off, and they're willing to take whatever punishment you might inflict to make that happen, then they'll probably get the nose."  This, by definition, is exactly what a zombie is like in a fist fight.  They don't care at all what you do to them, they just want the nose.  And the rest of the stuff attached to the nose. 

More evidence about the dangers inherent in hand fighting with zombies comes from a friend of mine who is a policeman.  The individual in question has a not-quite-politically-correct term for the strength displayed by many people who have mental problems.  The same concept works for individuals who have been partaking of illegal substances that aren't good for them.  Being really stoned or crazy can allow people to short-circuit the mechanism that normally doesn't let the body harm itself through its own strength.  These people can be extremely strong, and the police are very careful when they deal with them.  Zombies, in terms of strength, are going to be like the guys who get blasted on PCP and pick a fight with a dozen cops.  You really don't want to take them on by your lonesome.

The only advantage you as a live human has against the undead in terms of bare-handed fighting is speed.  Zombies are slow, and so if you're careful you have the ability to outmaneuver them.  As long as they don't grab hold of you, you can outrun them or flank them.  Zombies have relatively poor coordination, and they can be pushed or shoved in order to unbalance them or knock them over.  A kick to the back of a knee should be enough to temporarily hobble your zombie opponent.  A sharp enough blow or kick to the side of the knee may break it, inflicting a more permanent crippling injury to the zombie.  Attacks like these are not designed to do anything other than gain you enough time to make your escape.  Fighting against even one zombie without a weapon is extremely dangerous, and you should break contact as quickly as possible.  Once this has been accomplished you can keep going and make good your escape and arm yourself in order to re-engage the zombie(s) on better terms.  If you are caught unarmed by a group of zombies, your only hope is to break contact and escape as quickly as possible.  It is not possible for unarmed and unarmored humans to survive combat with multiple zombies.  In such a situation the odds are simply too stacked in favor of the undead.

Killing a zombie, in the absence of weapons, is a difficult task.  If you are able to grab the zombie's head and twist it sideways violently enough you may be able to sever the spinal cord, which would deactivate the zombie from the neck down.  The zombie's jaws would remain dangerous, but it would be incapable of locomotion.  In order to do this, you will have to be extremely careful to avoid the zombie's jaws prior to the snapping of its neck—just because you've grabbed the zombie by the head doesn't mean that it will desist from its primary and only motivation, which is eating you.  Action movies have done a good job of making it seem relatively easy to break someone's neck with a quick twisting motion.  In reality this is more difficult than the movies make it seem, in part because the person in question is going to be resisting your attempts.  In terms of the zombie, the muscles of the neck will almost certainly be tensed as it continues its single-minded assault on your person.  With a wriggling (and very strong) zombie trying fanatically to chew on your flesh it's going to be more difficult to emulate Hollywood's action stars than you think. 

There are two relatively basic street fighting techniques that you might be tempted to use against zombies.  Pitted against a human opponent these things are extremely deadly, pretty much assured to stop a fight, even if they don't kill outright.  The first is gouging an opponent's eyes with the thumbs or one or both hands.  The second involves violently thrusting an opponent's head sideways while simultaneously driving your knee into the relatively soft portion of the skull around the ears.  Both of these things work against people, although they take a simple brawl and elevate it into the realm of attempted murder.  But then in the zompocalypse there is no such thing.

So.  Eye gouging.  This is a particularly gruesome and terrifying wound to inflict upon a human opponent.  The eyes are filled with fluid which is somewhat pressurized.  If even a small pin is thrust far enough into the eye this fluid will leak out, and blindness is certain.  Eyes can be crushed and burst open by the strength of the hands, if you have the fortitude to actually delve into an opponent's head.  Beyond the eyes are the relatively weak bones of the ocular cavities.  Humans can be killed with a determined enough assault on the eye sockets.  Even if this doesn't kill the effect of losing one or both eyes may be so traumatic that you will have brought an end to a fight.  Against zombies, this is not so effective.

As usual, there is no psychological impact on a zombie when you pop one or both of its eyes.  They don't feel pain and lack the ability to anticipate a future of partial or total blindness.  They simply don't care at all.  Moreover, in order to attack the eyes you’re placing yourself into the potentially very strong embrace of the zombie to your front, with what will probably be disastrous consequences.  If you have the physical strength necessary to fight off the zombie while you continue your assault on its eyes, keep in mind that putting your fingers into the insides of a zombie's skull is a very good way to get infected, or at least get a very dangerous “normal” bacterial infection that could also kill you.  Delving around in a zombie's body, especially while it's fully animated, should clearly be avoided at all costs.

Smashing the side of an opponent's skull is a potentially lethal attack on a human.  The skull is weak at the side of head, and is much less able to stop intrusive attacks.  Against a human, driving a knee into this relatively soft part of the skull is a good way to inflict a serious brain injury.  With a hard enough blow the brain will swell, resulting in unconsciousness and death.  As above, you've probably gone into the territory of attempted murder.  But, zombies, as usual, don't cooperate. 

A zombie's brain is only partially functional, so there's no guarantee that you'll be able to inflict enough damage to put your zombie down by battering it with a knee or elbow.  While you're attempting to knock your way through its skull, the zombie will still be trying to grab and bite.  In order to knee the zombie in the head in the first place, you'll also need to push its head downwards towards your rising knee—an activity that is dangerous in several different respects.  Grabbing the side of the zombie's head may result in a bite.  Pushing the zombie's head into your knee may also result in a bite.  And since bites are fatal, you've just lost in a very final way.

As I conclude this section I would like to reiterate that unarmed hand-to-hand combat against zombies is extremely dangerous.  It is something to be avoided unless you have absolutely no choice at all.  It would be better to run.  The dangers of fighting a zombie unarmed put it just to one side of being suicidal.  Even fully trained professional fighters (boxers, etc.) are going to notice that their skills, which worked so well against living humans, are more than trumped by the vast advantages zombies enjoy in an unarmed encounter at arm's length.  This is not to say that contemplating unarmed combat is bad.  As with everything else in this volume survival is a prize won by those who are the most adaptable to changing conditions.  In Darwinian terms, survivors who are willing to use every tool and every technique are those survivors whose survival is “selected for.”  So unarmed combat should not entirely be stricken from your zompocalypse playbook.  But if flight or armed combat are options these should always be chosen first.  Hand fighting is the last resort of the desperate.

The Walking Dead: "The Death Ride of Merle"...or, weapons, warfare, and how to wack the Governor before he destroys your existence.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!  If you haven't seen the most recent episode of the "The Walking Dead"...don't read this!  I have no wish to ruin anyone's enjoyment of the best zombie drama ever made.

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So.  I was actually starting to like Merle.  I realize that the writers of the show more or less have to cut down important cast members on a regular basis...that is actually one of the fundamental realities of The Walking Dead.  A la "Game of Thrones," anyone can be killed.  And sooner or later they probably will be.  But I was actually starting to like Merle, despite the white-trashy racist overtones and drug abuse and semi-sociopathic violence he was enamored of.  His death at the hands of the Governor...who is a lot more authentically sociopathic and at the same time reminds me of every crappy boss I've ever had...well, it was unfortunate.  Merle deserved better than that, even if he was intending to destroy himself.  He deserved to kill the Governor.

Merle's tactics against the Governor and his brute squad were sound, sort of.  The idea of firing when other people's bombs/mortars/artillery/gunfire provide masking noise is actually very smart.  Snipers have been abusing this boon for a long time, especially during high-intensity short range urban conflicts, like say the battle of Stalingrad.  The problem with Merle's delivery of the technique was that he was much too close.  The 5.56mm round used by M4 carbines like the one he was carrying is a potent little thing...it'll fly on a flat tragdectory out past several hundred yards.  Which means there's no reason to do your nifty sniper attack at point-blank range.  Merle should've gone into the woods and fired only at the Governor, if he got the chance.  Even if his purpose (which seems to be the case) was to die, he should have selected a spot that would've allowed him to slaughter more of the Governor's people. 

The actor who plays Merle, Michael Rooker, probably knows this, since he owns (unless I'm mistaken) a gun-range somewhere in California.  I've seen him shoot, in character and otherwise, and Mr. Rooker clearly knows how to use a gun.  The unfortunate fact is that Merle and one other person with some sand could have probably wiped out the entire dork-militia brought out by the Governor to ambush Rick.  Even if they were pushed back, the nitwits that the Governor employs lack the skills to track down a pair of determined individuals fighting their way through broken territory.  Even the best people under the Governor's wing are not particularly competent...take for example Rodriguez, the guy with the aluminum bat and the Heckler&Koch MP5K...K for "kurtz," or "short."  That weird little gun has gotten a lot of play time from Hollywood for a lot of years.  I don't know why, other than it looks interesting.  But in the apocalypse, it's a really bad idea...there are no extra magazines, it isn't particularly accurate...you could find many better things to equip yourself with.  Yet Mr. Rodriguez continues to use his MP5K, always on full auto, despite his magazine dillema. 

The entire concept of ambushing Rick's group, as the Governor has invisioned it, was put together by a three-year-old, apparently.  I can see this, and I'm only an academic.  Ask a few ex-soldiers, and see what they'd recommend.  The people in the prison should have wiped out the Woodbury militia by now.  Originally I would have argued for a defense of the prison, followed by a counterattack.  But after the last episode, I'd say that the group should be broken into a handful of small teams, and each of them should launch simultaneous attacks on the Woodburyians, just like the Celtiberian warriors who proved to be so troublesome to Rome (in Spain, or Hispania) in the middle of the second century BCE.  The best defense is a good offense, if your opponents are the dinks from Woodbury.

Let's go a-Viking...

If you haven't been watching "The Vikings" (produced through The History Channel), you should be.  It's fantastic.  The History Channel doesn't have the highest reputation among my fellow historians, in part because the channel has a strong tendency to sway to whichever breeze blows from its current ownership.  That's the explanation behind what are sometimes "interesting" trends in the channel's lineup—and why we sometimes refer to it as the "Hister" Channel, based on the recurring predominance of shows about Hitler.  An apparent fascination with aliens and Armageddon are also explained by this phenomenon.  But "The Vikings" is pretty solid, from what I've seen.

It's the first historical drama (ok, ancient historical drama) whose writers seem convinced that you can tell an intriguing story and still include a bunch of interesting and informative historical information.  It isn't perfect, but considering that its current competition is probably Spartacus: War of the Damned (whose writers specifically said that they weren't going to let the history "hold them back") we can forgive "The Vikings" for instances where the interpretation is relatively free. 

The portrayal of religion—pagan as well as medieval Christian—is really neat.  As is the inclusion of interesting material about sexuality, technology, and social and political hierarchy.  History really is better than fiction.  To my eye at least, "The Vikings" is far more watchable, full of color and depth and "foreignness" that makes it far more effective than the Spartacus series.  The people at Starz took a lot of time and effort (and money) to portray the story of Spartacus and the Third Servile War (73-71 BCE) in a way that is largely style, rather than substance—if the writers hadn't decided that the history would have hampered them, they could have used what little solid evidence we do possess to construct a truly great story.  There's a lot of meat on the bones of the tale of Spartacus, and the writers missed most of it and presented us with scraps and gristle instead.  The History Channel's Viking series, after only a few episodes, seems to me to be a truly fantastic piece of historical fiction...you can learn a lot of interesting things and still be entertained. 

As of now I believe there will only be nine episodes of "The Vikings," which is a tragedy considering that Spartacus got 3+ entire seasons to not actually get around to telling much about the story of Spartacus.  They could have easily done much more than they did, especially once you remember that we live in the great Renaissance of epic movie-making...with the massive improvements in technology studios are more or less free to paint whatever canvas they want, on whatever scale.  The Viking show should be the recipient of three seasons of tale-telling, rather than the historical mutilation that is Starz' Spartacus series.

I don't think I'm alone in this, for a variety of reasons.  I'm a historian, so of course I'm interested in things including more history...but I think that lots and lots of people, and not just academics, are interested and entertained by more historical accuracy.  I suggest this based partly on conversations I had with customers when I worked as a barista, during the first part of my grad school career.  If you work or have worked as a barista, you know that you end up talking to a lot of random people that you'd otherwise never encounter.  And one of the things that I found over and over was that people in their later twenties and thirties routinely said that they had grown to like history.  It was common that I'd talk to somebody who had once hated history (thanks to our miserable public school curriculum in the US, especially after the debacle that is No Child Left Behind) who later grew to like it a lot.  I think there's a large audience of people who want more rather than less substance.  And so we should all watch "The Vikings" and tell our friends about it...I already have...since that's the only way we can influence studios to pay more than lip service to the historical foundation of past events they want to dramatize.

The Walking Dead: zombies and free time...

Somewhere near the beginning of season three I posted a comment on my Facebook page about scavenging.  That is, the rate and success of scavenging in the Walking Dead, and how our intrepid heroes seem to be pretty lousy at it.  To be fair I realize that they're hemmed in by hordes of the undead, trapped in small-town Georgia where there is relatively less material through which to sift.  But still.  They're not very good at scavenging.  In some ways the apocalypse is like a giant, never-ending treasure hunt.  It's fun,  people,  albeit fun punctuated by moments of extreme terror.  Anyway, I mentioned this on Facebook and one of my favorite former students responded by noting (I'm paraphrasing), "yeah, and they spent season two doing their laundry when they should have been doing something more constructive...like building a zombie moat around the farm...or something." 

My favorite former student's comment got me thinking about the concept of down-time in the apocalypse, and I came to what I think is a useful (maybe crucial) conclusion: in the apocalypse, we modern first world types are going to be extremely bored.  It will be like combat—immense boredom punctuated by the flashes of extreme terror I mentioned above.  Why is this, you ask?  The answer is simple: no  internet.

I'm an under-employed academic, so my case may be more extreme than many of you, dear readers.  But the fact is, the internet has become my only outlet to the outside world.  I use it for work.  I watch The Walking Dead online.  I spend enormous amounts of time reading about random obscurities when I should be doing something better (For example, did you know that camels only have teeth on their bottom jaws?  The top is only a hard plate.  Plus they like apples.).  Part of my online time is spent in a desperate attempt to hawk my books, which informs you of the galley-slave salary that adjunct professors earn.  But still... if I lost the internet, life as I know it would cease to exist. 

People would go through withdrawal.  I know I would.  When I was a kid I was the nerd who enjoyed going to the library and lugging back dozens of books at a time.  A lot of that behavior I've carried over to the internet world that we currently inhabit...you can literally learn about pretty much anything your heart desires with a few keystrokes.  It's brilliant.

But in the apocalypse, the internet would die.  And we'd have problems.  No easy access to information.  Even libraries would be relatively less useful, because the search mechanisms are all computerized.  Unless you've memorized the Dewey Decimal for books about agriculture, you're going to be spending a lot of time searching through the darkened stacks before you get what you want.  But I digress.

In the apocalypse we'd all have a lot of down-time.  So, if the apocalypse does happen, we'd all be trying to learn new useful hobbies, lest we all die of boredom.  Basic blacksmithing, for example, would be an extremely useful skill to develop.  You're not going to be churning out swords anytime soon, but spear-heads are relatively easy to make...I recommend models with a long tang, like the Japanese yari, rather than the socketed types used by pretty much everybody in Europe and the Mediterranean (the tang offers increased resilience to the spear shaft).  The forge needed to construct such useful materials is easy to make.  You can look it up online.

The people in The Walking Dead should all be learning as many interesting/useful things as they can, rather than doing a bunch of laundry.  The same goes for all of us, who are imagining hypothetical situations where we'd be the people surviving the apocalypse.  And anybody who has useful knowledge to impart should be liberally handing it out.  I would love to have a garden, for instance, but my thumb is black rather than green.  Every living plant-based organism I've ever tried to grow has withered into a blackened, decayed husk, not unlike the zombies of Walking Dead fame.  I suck at growing things.  And with all the food stores either looted or filled with bio-hazard levels of trapped bacteria, somebody who can actually bring the potatoes to full term would be an excellent friend to have. 

This is one of my pet peeves about one strand of existing zombie fiction—the notion that after the apocalypse certain types of people (like, say, academics) will be entirely useless.  On the contrary, if I do say so myself, my background in ancient history would prove to be very useful in a wide variety of situations.  And most people can say exactly the same, no matter what their skills or training.  Most people are good at something.  My mom's a wicked gardener.  My brother knows everything there is to know about guns.  My dad can fix most machinery.  And therein lies the lesson to learn...in the apocalypse, the internet is going to be your friends and companions.  Learn from them, and you won't waste away from a lack of sensory input.  Plus you'll probably discover something cool along the way.

The Walking Dead: Use your head, and then your hands...

The Walking Dead (and most zombie fiction) is filled with tension.  The few remaining people fight a seemingly doomed battle against vast hordes of former shop clerks and office workers who have been transformed into ravenous, mindless zombies.  In the course of the story that we see unfold in front of our eyes, these few survivors are forced to fight for their lives against the vast numbers of the undead.  In the Walking Dead they have to contend with dangerous fellow humans as well, which complicates things and makes the Walking Dead more nuanced and enjoyable than earlier examples of the genre.  This latest season of the Walking Dead plays around with the question of who the real enemy is—the dead or the living?  While most of the season seems to point towards fellow humanity as being the real danger, I think it's safe to assume that by the end of the season this will be shown to be a severe and deadly misapprehension.  The dead are the ultimate enemy, not other survivors, at least not in the final analysis.

So.  If zombies are the real villains of The Walking Dead (and I think they are), I'd like to comment on the methods of fighting them portrayed in the show.  Specifically, I'd like to discuss the place of hand weapons and focus on the severe shortage of them in the hands of the two groups of survivors.  There are notable exceptions to this—Daryl wields a large Busse combat knife, Michonne carries a katana, and the henchman Rodriguez carries around an aluminum baseball bat (which wouldn't work very well, and not for for very long, he should be using a wooden bat or choose something else).  To that list we should probably add the bayonet/handspike sometimes used by Merle and Andrea's knife.  All in all, especially before the arrival of Michonne, this is an inadequate total.  At one point we even see Rick bashing zombies with his empty Colt Python, which would probably be a good way of damaging it permanently.  Clearly, more thought needs to be directed towards the use of hand weapons.

Fighting zombies with axes and machetes would be more dangerous than if you were using a gun, because you've got to get close to them and that allows them a chance to bite you.  But if used correctly, having a bladed or blunt weapon would also allow you to break away from a group of zombies, by fighting free of the press.  If Rick had carried a machete or bowie knife he wouldn't have needed deploy his revolver as a bludgeon.  The utility and neccesity of hand weapons should have been driven home in the events surrounding the death of Lori at the beginning of Season 3.  The zombie attack that ruined everything in that episode was not large enough to make hand weapons ineffective.  Yet everybody fired off the few bullets they had with them and then had no choice but to run.  Carry hand weapons, ladies and gentlemen.  They work.  Not just a gun.  A gun and a big knife.  Or a sword. Or a machete. Or any one a numerous possible tools that would help save your life: bats, claw hammers, hatchets, wood axes, cleavers...there is surely some tool you can find to defend yourself in the apocalypse.  Poor unfortunate T-Dog, who carried a poker from some random fireplace at the beginning of season three...he'd get an "F" in zombie survival, in my opinion.

The Walking Dead: Prison Assault

I love "The Walking Dead."  New episodes are pretty much the high point of the week for me.  That said, I love to nitpick the show, which makes sense—I'm a historian, and I'm nerdy enough to write a 70,000-word volume regarding zombies.  I actually think that a lot of the fun involved in the zombie fantasy involves questioning the actions of the on-screen protagonists.  We all have a good time thinking about what we'd do if we were in the same situation. 

And so I've been thinking about the upcoming climax of this season, which I'm assuming will culminate in the long-anticipated battle between the Woodburyites and the Ricktatorshipians at the prison.  My academic nerd brain is having a hard time reconciling, however, how it is that the Gover-nator's attack will be anything but a miserable bloodbath for Woodbury.  Think about it from the Governor's point of view if you will (ok, if you were the Governor, presuming you are not a sociopathic nutball like the actual Governor).  You have a fortress that you have to get into (the prison) that's defended by a smaller force of people you'd like to kill.  You have more people, and so it's a straightforward application of numbers and bullets, right?

Wrong.  Think of the prison as being essentially a medieval castle.  Castles were designed to allow smaller groups of people to avoid being massacred by larger groups who wanted to do the massacring.  Attacking medieval armies, if they couldn't punch a hole in the walls (and they usually couldn't), usually had to wait to starve out the defenders.  The defenders' best hope was either that their enemies would run out of money and go home or that a relief army would arrive and drive off the enemy.

Now remember you're the Governor, and you have this basic military problem laid at your feet.  How to get in?  You don't have heavy enough weaponry to blast a big hole in the reinforced concrete of the prison.  So you've got to launch an infantry assault against the defenders.  You could also wait them out, trying to whittle them down through attrition or starvation.

Of course the problem with this is that there's already a relief army on the scene—the zombies, some of whom you actually put there yourself (opps, bummer).  Before you get to the desperate and trapped Ricktatorshipians, you've got to cut your way through the zombies.  You have to do this while being shot at by Rick and the rest of the gang.  Also, even if you manage to get into the yard, the noise of a gun battle will surely draw zombie reinforcements from the surrounding countryside.  Behind you.

Dispersing your forces to reduce their vulnerability to bullets makes them more vulnerable to zombies.  Bunching up for mutual defense against the undead makes you an excellent target.  Dividing your forces reduces the immediate on-the-spot numerical advantage you need against the prison denizens, so that doesn't help much either.  Plus any force that assaults through the breach in the prison walls on the far side of Rick's prison is in for a nasty surprise in the dark—and they'll most likely panic and be devoured.  So that would have been a good idea except for the zombies you didn't know about.

Considering your "army" for a moment makes it increasingly clear why the prison should not be attacked.  Your Woodburyite militia is a pretty milquetoast affair, if you're being honest with yourself.  Simply handing Timmy and Grandma a rifle doesn't negate the fact that they've spent the last year living in the 1950s.  They have no experience of warfare, against zombies or humans, and we know from a few episodes back that even one zombie is enough to terrify them.  Since you are rational (you're not really the Governor) it seems pretty obvious that your conscripts will have little chance of success, considering that they've got to survive Rick's bullets while keeping one eyeball out for the zombie relief army (yes, they want to eat everyone, but they'll start with the closest meat, which was all grown in Woodbury).

I am highly interested to see how the writers manage to make the army of Grandma and Timmy produce anything other than their own massacre.